Vincent’s Map
Given that I finally finished the map I’ve been working on for over two years (the current locations of all of Van Gogh’s paintings [as of 2006, the copyright date on my complete paintings book]), it seemed like a blog post was necessary.
I must be frank with you, dear Reader. I have drifted away from this blog the past few weeks because I honestly feel that I cannot process all that has been happening to me. Things are so radical indeed that I am afraid I might look foolish if I express myself in words. I have felt at the top and at the bottom of things.
Is it good? I think so. It is the best I can possibly do at this time of my life. And I have reason to believe that the best that I can do is above average.
Could it be better? Possibly, in fact, quite probably. When working with something as ephemereal as theater, it takes some time, and various points of view to see something accurately. Everyone sees different things when they come to art because it is nothing more than pure experience. Of course everyone sees my art differently, they all see differently!
What matters most, the collected opinions of everyone else, or your own opinion of your own work? At many moments, this becomes unclear. I feel myself blow in the wind. Both the wind and the root are important. You must bend, but not break. How much to bend… This is still unknown. It is my personal struggle now. A critic says one thing, a woman who has performed her whole life and founded as well as maintained a performance company says quite another.
We all have guides in life. I return to you, Vincent.
Dear brother, don’t think of me as anything other than an ordinary painter who is confronted by ordinary difficulties, and do not think the worries at all unusual. I mean, don’t think of the future as a darkness or as a dazzling light; it will be better to believe in the grey. I try to do the same, and think it wrong of myself to deviate from it. (17 August 1883)
You teach me color yet again, my love… Believe in the grey. Each color with its meaning.
Believe that this is your work, and you do it, because you must. And that is all. With the simplicity of a shoe-maker.
And so suddenly, I felt that basic pride again yesterday when I marked the 926th painting in its spot, after working in my pajamas for two hours. That gut feeling, that keeps you making things in the first place:
I did it!
I finished!
I did what I had set out to do.
And my god, is there anything more incredible than that?
(I mean, it’s not like I ever make things easy for myself.. haha)
There are only two weekends left of performances, so don’t forget to buy your tickets here, in case you haven’t yet!
Congratulations! Both on the completion of your map, and the success of your theatre piece!
Thank you David! Sorry it took me so long to respond… it’s been quite a journey. But your support reached me, and helped. Thank you!